I Know You Are There

"Light is easy to love, Show me your darkness" - R. Queen

August 14, 2020

I remember the popular quote; "Love is blind, a deaf-mute too". But I believed, love without all that, is no love. What this four-letter word had to do with my life?.

On this fateful day, last year, on our 9th wedding anniversary, we lost her. Yaazhi was scorched by fire in this same house. She was 8 years old, cheerful, hyper little girl, arrived to make our life beautiful. After her demise, people suggested selling this house. But how could I erase the last memory of her? We rebuilt the house, and now she was there playing with her doll muffin, running around the house, much alive.

I closed my journal after reviving her memory; one year had passed without her, yet I remained the same, a lost mother. A familiar hand touched my shoulder; it was comforting.

"Move on, Seema" Dev - my boyfriend turned husband whispered behind me.

1

I checked myself in the mirror, the dark circles beneath the eyes, betrayed my state of depression.

"Honey, I will be back in the evening" I said to Dev, but there was no response from him. I clutched the car keys, and the doorbell rang.

My father sat on the couch, tired man but relentless in persuading me to live with him.

"Come with me" he began with his typical sentence.

"I told you a million times, I cannot leave this house and Yaazhi. I understand she is no more, but I could feel her demeanor in the air"

"You are hallucinating. I am afraid that I may lose you"

"How could I leave Dev alone?. He has no one except me. We planned our anniversary dinner today at Yaazhi's favorite restaurant"

"Stop this madness. You need to get rid of him. I don't find a reason you are still holding on to him. It plagues your mind"

"Turn your volume down. He could hear you from the bedroom. Your hatred for him is always obvious since the day I introduced him to you. But what did Yaazhi do?. I thought you have accepted her. Anyway, I don't have time for this conversation right now. I have got an important meeting today"

"You left Yaazhi alone with him, on this same day, so don't judge me" he left the place disappointed. While I drove him back home, I was thinking, maybe dad was right.

2

"Momma, save Muffin. She is under the bed, I protected from him. Momma.." I woke up from the nightmare. My heart was pounding as I pulled Muffin from the bed aside and hugged her tightly. Dev is not in the bed, but I don't care.

3

Rohit was never convinced about the fire accident from the beginning. His detective mind could smell a homicide in Yaazhi's case. As a routine, Yaazhi's mother went for work at 10 pm, leaving her with Dev. At midnight, the house caught fire, turning little Yaazhi into flames. First, we assumed it to be an accident, but after the autopsy, doctors found a strangulation mark on Yaazhi's neck. Nothing left of Yaazhi to find further clues. Seema suspected burglary and the poor Yaazhi would have noticed the thief, and he would have strangled to silence her. After she died, he would have ignited the house to appear like an accident and to sabotage the evidence. Lot of 'if' about this case, but no solid evidence. She couldn't mention the items stolen since most of them were charred to ashes. CCTV in the house gate contains the recording up to 10 pm, showing the last feed of Seema leaving the compound in her car.

Whether the killer had erased the footage? What was Dev doing when the burglar entered? Rohit couldn't connect those loose ends for over a year, but he is not giving up either.

4

"Yaazhi is living with us. I could feel her tangible, I hear her voice, she is alive" Seema's eyes glittered in delight.

"We call it Bereavement Hallucination. It occurs because of the untimely or sudden demise of our loved ones. The person would hallucinate and sense a connection with the deceased through their objects or belongings. Some people enter the extreme state of believing the dead to be alive. I think you should understand the severity of your condition. Yaazhi is dead, accept and move on. Otherwise, the condition you are in will consume your reality"

"Dev helps me recover and keeps me alive. He hasn't recovered from the loss either"

"Your husband, Dev?" the therapist raised his eyebrows.

"Yes doctor, he is waiting outside. Shall I call him?

"No Seema, no problem" he stammered.

"What did the therapist say?" Dev enquired when she came out.

"Nothing much. He said that I am hallucinating Yaazhi. I know this is dangerous for me but I cannot stop seeing her"

They left the hospital talking to each other, while the therapist watched her from a distance.

5

Yaazhi was heaving, striving hard to breathe, holding on to Muffin. I was crying profusely, looking at my helpless, dying daughter. Another day, another nightmare, I lost my sleep again. Dev is again nowhere to be seen.

6

"Yaazhi I will not call you again. Come and have your supper" Seema shouted from the kitchen and Rohit heard her voice apparently before pressing the doorbell. He holds no reason to visit Seema, but she is hiding something. He won't stop until the cat is out of the bag.

"I am sorry to bother you, I just wanted to see you are doing better. Is everything fine?"

"You heard me talking to Yaazhi, right?. This is out of habit. I know I am hallucinating. It's satisfying to imagine her alive"

"No, No I don't mean that. It has been a year, and I was also passing by" he lied.

"I will bring you coffee. Black as usual?"

"Yes," Rohit replied. His eyes scanned the house. Seema's room was ajar, a doll lying in the bed's corner and the remaining Yaazhi's portraits hung on the wall. He couldn't disregard the girl's face. He could not infer the mystery around this little Yaazhi. This family is hiding the truth about Yaazhi. Seema is hiding something.

Rohit strayed around and reached Yaazhi's room. A photo frame of her holding a doll, the same doll he had seen earlier, on the bed table. Her unblemished face stabbed his heart. He gazed into the picture aimlessly at first, but his sight deepened. His heart began racing, thumping, skipping beats. He swiftly left the room, ignored the coffee from Seema citing urgent work.

Seema noticed Yaazhi's photo frame slightly out of place. Muffin fitted in her tiny hands. Terrified, she ran into her room to find Muffin on the bed only to realize she forgot to hide her. The coffee cup dropped, shattering into bits, and Seema could see her fate in the broken pieces.

7

Rohit is playing the CCTV footage day-wise, exact time - 10 pm. Seema leaves for work as Yaazhi appears on the porch every night, holding Muffin in her hands. Dev would stand aside Yaazhi and both bid her bye. Next, he played the footage on the day when Yaazhi died. Again, Seema left the house, Yaazhi and Dev were out, Yaazhi was holding the doll.

Rohit's eyes lit up. A year's struggle is ending today. But his excitement didn't last when the video continued playing. Dev was holding Yaazhi's shoulders when the car left the gate. His hands crept to her neck, he pushed her to the ground. She was hesitant, frightened, and clutched Muffin tightly to her chest.

Dev - It was him all the time. This heartless bastard, soulless creature; how could he do that to his daughter?. Rohit felt nauseating and reclined to his chair; the unconnected dots made sense now.

8

Lying in the bed, I rewind the memories of the dreadful day. I planned for an anniversary surprise. After spending an hour at work, I made my colleague proxy the attendance since my manager isn't cool with last-minute day-offs. The house looked dark and still when I arrived with the cake. I imagined the surprised, cheerful faces of Dev and Yaazhi when they see me. But what I had witnessed was beyond shock. I was not hallucinating. Dev was strangling Yaazhi's neck. Blood rushed to her head as she struggled to breathe. My world had stopped for a minute and I could not recall the events after when I picked the bed lamp, launched it to his head. One, two, three, I lost the count and thrashed him until his skull crushed, blood-filled the floor. Dev was dead. I rushed to Yaazhi and held her in my arms.

"Momma, save Muffin. She is under the bed, I protected her from him. Momma" Yaazhi died in my arms. I sobbed and bellowed until my tears went dry.

I picked Muffin under the bed, kissed my baby for one last time, never set a glimpse on Dev. It was not him, the Dev I knew was kind and caring. He was with me through tough times, when I was abandoned by my parents; when I was jobless and depressed. He encouraged me all the time, and he loved Yaazhi.

9

Dev's childhood was nothing but abuse. He shared about the abnormality in his genitals with his friend, who later broadcasted the matter to the entire school. He was ridiculed, taunted, and humiliated, which caused him to switch schools. While in college, he dated a girl. One day, they attended a party in their friend's house, got drunk, one lead to another, they ended up in bed.

When she found out he isn't sexually very competent, she ridiculed him in front of her friends as he left screaming from the place. But I believed I healed him after befallen in love with him discerning his condition. After our wedding, we had adopted Yaazhi entirely with Dev's consent. But the hatred spread like a wildfire inside; her presence repulsed him. He has regarded her because of his impotency. He, at the peak of madness, killed her.

I was blind the whole time, even when Yaazhi hinted about her father's volatile behavior. My blind love killed my daughter. Even on that horrible day, she asked me not to leave her alone. 

I loved his light, forgot his darkness.

I set the whole place on fire, erased the CCTV footage of my return to the house. The cake melted in the blaze. The world should not find that Dev killed his daughter.

10

I was indecisive to pick the call from Rohit. He could have found about Yaazhi. I was not scared of getting arrested, but I don't want the truth to be told.

"We killed the guy who robbed your house in an encounter last month in a different case. We confirmed the culprit by a CCTV footage of him strolling around your house. He has the history of child murder"

I knew Rohit was lying.

"Seema I want to ask you something" Rohit hesitated. "Is he a monster?"

After a brief pause, I replied "Yes"

Epilogue - August 14, 2019

I was standing at a distance from the burning house, Muffin in my hands. I closed my eyes and imagined Dev, the love of my life, not the monster I had seen.

I understood, Love is not blind, but it leads to blindness.

A familiar hand touched my shoulder.